i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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