My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
