brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
