Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
