My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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