eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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