i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
