Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
