I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
