I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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