Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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