I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
