It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
