Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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