u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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