So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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