it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
