dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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