Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
