I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
