i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
