Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
