thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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