when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
