ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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