After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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