his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
