i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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