why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize