So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
