I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize