craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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