...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
