i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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