going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
