Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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