im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
