opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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