last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
please come you make the beer taste better
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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