Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
