sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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