He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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