I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
