i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
