Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize