its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
