My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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