pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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