I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
