By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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