What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
