I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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