I didn't shave. On purpose
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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