Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
