i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
