Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
