feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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