the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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