Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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