Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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