Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
