you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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