I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
it was like eating out sand paper
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
