Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Couch. On fire.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
